I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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