If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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