I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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