OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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