dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
