we made out on top of his cat.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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