At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
