Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
