I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
