Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
