I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
