i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
