I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
