it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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