Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
