so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
