At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
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Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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