I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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