I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
