I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
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You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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