I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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