Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
