I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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