Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize