Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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