my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
