third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
