He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The uberlube is also flammable
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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