im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
