I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry đŹ
I think you know youâve caught feelings when youâre asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
we went to go have morning sex and I said âI was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to showerâ#ruinedthemoment
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