I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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