the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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