He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
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