its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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