he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
