I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
