is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
