Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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