I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
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no more duck duck goose at the bar
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
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The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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