I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
