Have you finally orgasmed yet?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
