and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
