Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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