You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
