I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
