what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
