I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
