Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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