I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
