I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
