so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
