I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
