I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
