the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
