Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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