apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
