um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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