you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
