dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
